while i'm still here

red no more!

2004-09-07T01:39:00.000+08:00

OMG.. OMG.. finally.. yess!! yess!!! yess!!!

i passed my red tag! on to wear my yellow tag next lesson!! was so glad when my DI finally siganalled me to come over to the cornering side. wow.. had such fun doing the cornering & banking. din know i could do it with such ease. it was cool, and i was feeling, hey.. this ain't that bad ey... feel like a stuntwoman.. heheheheh.. like real~ *yak dish*

well.

anyway.. it was such a relief! for like the 1st time since my first lesson, i was super duper early. a fren accompanied me. so nice.. heheheh.. anw, said that it mite change my luck, and i was like *rolling my eyes* and going riteee~ but then. hmm. i did it!! Alhamdulillah!!! and i am so glad that finally did it. i tink its like after.. what. my 10th time!!!! OMG. LOL. *faints* now then i realised. shit man. if only i had more confidence and planned out my practicals better. anw. maybe it was just a coincidence that the slots that i can attend to are all not available!!! man. it has been so unbelievably frustrating.

Yak Dish!

here, hid. here. yuhoo.. LOL. see i've started to go to dreamland again. feeling so tired, i feel like i could just drop my head rite here, rite now.. * yawns*

brb.

at long last

2004-09-06T23:58:00.000+08:00

060904

finally, i met him!!! *smiles* it such a feeling that i dunno how to express.. miraculously, being the perpectual latecomer that i am.. sumhow i arrived almost before 3pm sharp, as arranged. took me quite a while vefore i msg him i'm there. din expect for him to agree to meet me. i guess after all those little freak accidents, he must be feeling so low and helpess that he just duwan to see anyone. i can understand the mentall and emotional turmoil going thru his head.. which is partly the reason why i am not mad at him. altho initially, i was. frustrated too. we had a good talk.. altho at first i couldn't talk much.. i dunno.. before meeting him its as if there's so much i need to tell, but facing him just now, hmmm.. suddenly all goes blank. but alot were made clear..( that part i'm really glad) and altho i din managed to brave myself to tell him the ultimate truth and reason i came, at least i know that i'm still there.. *sigh* when can i break the news to him.. i dunno.

but hearing that particular matter coming from him deeply pleased me tremendously. i felt so happy & relieved..

i missed what we had before.. i missed everything. yet, do i have the heart to tell him.. am i brave enuff to tell him what is inside me which is being suppressed?

i must tell him. i need to tell him.

soon. time is running short.

oh and by the way, i purposely avoided and did not mention to him the updates on my practs.. heheheh.. *wink*

i opened the gate

2004-09-05T03:08:00.001+08:00

050904

i dunno what made me do it, but i msg G to get my batik painting equipments back.. we met and sumhow the conversation led to me, I & F. i told him abt I, that he's getting married and all.. G said that being the same age as I, he's surprised that I is behaving that way towards me. fancy being childish and vengeful after all that's been finished. G asked if i'm totally over I and i got frustrated cos of all the people that i know, he's the last person whom should doubt me. i guessed cos I has always been a topic in our converstaions. but i can't help it! its not like i'm not over it .. but why did he disturbed my peace? why does he has to be so scheming and so revengeful towards me? why must he spread lies create a 2-face image of himself towards me and our frens? well, i guess that will never be answered.. G said the reasons are plainly that I is still being sore over what's happened, and that he's just being egoistic. he cant accept the facts.. hmm.. *shudders* painful & traumatising 4 yrs of my life.. thats what's that's been.. and the people that mean alot to me do not believe me. so i've stopped trying to convince them what is the TRUTH. not many knows what happened during the past year and early this year tho. it would be too incredible for them.. hmph. well~ sometimes.. sometimes, ya... *shrugs*

it does not matter anymore tho.. i've got other important issues to attend to..

G told me several things that spur me to do something about whats important to me. and yes, esp abt F. LOL.. and to think it was such a small world when G & F are hmm.. heheheheh.. lucky thing they could get along with each other..

anw... *smiles*

i got my ART stuff back!!! yessss!!

eeeks!!

2004-09-02T07:13:00.000+08:00

work was boring as usual, and i'm faced with a dilemma. should i go or should i stay? my bosses got in 2 more staff.. and i was supposed to lead them.. and now my work are divided between the two of them. then what am i doing? at first it was a NIGHTMARE teaching them. i guess cos i have to handle 2 at the same time.. its different when there's only ONE. we all made mistakes. I made loads of mistakes when i first started. EVERYDAY. am i supposed to be apologetic about that? yeah, maybe.. a little.. hmm..

considered the fact that i got a severe headaches due to being seated directly beside the main laser printer.. and rite beside the door.. hmm..

nevermind.. will continue later. got to get ready for work!!!

train of thoughts.. merely wisps of the quandom yet acquaint

2004-09-02T05:44:00.000+08:00

"hearts could only love for a while,
feet could only walk some mile,
clothes wont forever walk in style,
But my lips forever to you be a smile..."

"not a day passes w/o u on my mind,
yet layered reasons covered reasons.
if luv is but a while,
y is my heart stil beating strong.."

- Anon -

i've stopped caring

2004-08-29T23:07:00.000+08:00

why do i care
why should i care
everybody hurts... somehow

seeing u up on the wedding dias.. hmmm ... what happened? what did we do wrong?
was it me? was it you? i guess its just fate. hmm.. the choices we had to make then.. it makes me realised alot.

so now stuck in the sticky mudpie we've created for ourselves, goodbye.

the mindgames played where we took turns being the Game Master.. it was nerve-wrecking. and yet, they still linger. how could u do it?? so yes, i've got to stop caring. so please dun blame me if after reading this, and u trying to talk to me yet i ignore u. sorry, but i've got to stop caring.

a million cracks leads to a zillion pieces. generosity leads to greed. i'm sorry, but what was it again? uhuh.. oh.. u were just being a jerk. yeah.. i forgot abt that. so thanx for reminding me.

so yes, i've got to stop caring. u are not going to be the last chapter of my life!

".. I wish it was the other way around.. Set free~..."

dedication

2004-08-14T15:15:00.000+08:00

dedication for U.

Finally seeing u was the best thing that could have ever happen to me this week. in fact i've been waiting for so long, just to see your face.. to look into yr eyes.. even if it may be the last time.. i'm glad we did spend a whole day together. you by my side made me feel whole and warm again. yet why was time the shortest that we could have. if only u knew. if only...

while i'm still here, i hope that time wont run out vivace. so fast that we are carried along with it as the debris amidst the twister, i can only hope our memories wont be buried forever, nor flung to a million pieces.

i'm glad to know that we both are in each other's hearts.. time may not be on our side, but we know. Faith and Love will encompass it all. for you are my soul, my companion.. if only...

if only u knew...
if only i've known sooner...
if only..
so whilst we are still here,
i hope we can still see each other...
indulge in our senses...
reach out and feel..
whats deep within
our hopes & dreams together
will be achieved...

for only He knoweth
what even time cant tell..

2004-08-14T01:09:00.000+08:00

Nothing Compares..

Nothing Compares to You~

i lurrvvee that song..

heheh..

its a sad song.. but it can be associated in many different ways tho.. :)

i'm in the mood of reminicising alot these days.. hmm until..

YAK DISH.

ok .. ok.. so back to REALITY, beb.

ahahahah..

and then..

Kappwiinngg~~

so i decided to have some Tom Yam instan. as i imagine the aroma blocking my smelling senses.. hmmm... ahhhhhhhhh~ nice! so lets say wat.. i'm gonna pour some boiling water into that BOWWLLLL!!!

oooohlalalaaaa~~

simplicity

2004-08-13T23:49:00.000+08:00

that is the whole point.

i am so ever preventing myself from adding more stuff to this blog. i see others' so complicated and all.. i feel that to keep it as simple.. and perhaps, dull.. lol.. would just do me good.

sometimes vainity comes after that sense of satisfaction with yourself after achieveing something. and that is what i do not want.

simply just..

2004-08-13T23:10:00.000+08:00

someone told me my blog is not dat nice.. LOL.. its ok.. the whole idea was just to try it out.. and well.. here i am. as it is getting quite evident, my blog is not as updated as it 'should' be. anway, what i really wanted was to havce my own webbie. but considering my limited I.T productivity and creativity at the moment, i belive it can still be done.. but not yet soon.. krekrekreke...

so.. its simply just.. that i had achieved part of what i wanted.

how wld u know if someone is to play ard with u.. with yr mind, with yr heart, feelings.. etc.. ??

or how wld u know if someone is being sincere to u?

truth is, one can never know. u can know a person for years, and still end up being betrayed. u can know a person for a very short time, and somehow, u find yrself trusting him/her even more than yrself.

i dont have a facist mentality towards anyone after just seeing or talking to him/her for a first time.

yes, i do agree, to a certain extent, the first impression does count. but i believe that subsequent encounters with that same individual sort of helps to 'analyse' that individual. ..

hmm..

what is trust?

is it simply as just trust?

or is it something that can be so simple, yet complicated?

is there such thing as trust still existing amidst all the betrayals that happened?

could trust still co-exist and still linger amidst the confusion, tears, angst and frustrations???

perhaps, yes.

i believe that there are different dimensions of trust that one could have towards someone. yet even this, does not come easy.

...

Everything I said,
Oh well I meant it
And inside my head,
Holdin' on

...

Kappwinngg~

so its purple now. hahhah.. and its bold.

i see. so much that i immerse. still i see. and this time i feel.

o bliss. its just out there. u got to find it. in yourself u'll find the whole truth. if u let it.

look what you've done

2004-08-13T02:50:00.000+08:00

Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to prove

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Give me back my point of view
'Cause I just can't think for you
I can hardly hear you say
What should I do, well you choose

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone

Take my photo off the wall
If it just won't sing for you
'Cause all that's left has gone away
And there's nothing there for you to do

Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won
Oh, look what you've done
You've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone

letting go

2004-08-13T02:31:00.000+08:00

i didn't know letting go was that hard. it kinda almost wrench your whole heart out, freeze it and then smashing it to pieces. yet it can be the easiest thing u can do for yourself. i guess only one can know oneself. it is a gradual process, and when its gone, the sudden realisation will hit you eventually.. and then u'll go, hey... i did it. then hey.. i did it??? and then .. heyy.. i did it!!!!

congrats, mere human.

and then i wonder, why is it so easy for some to let go so easily. forgive and forget. hm. to forgive takes alot. to forget, is even more. if there should ever be an award for the worse of man, i think it would be.. in fact i couldn't even think of it.

what is hatred? could u really hate someone?

i believe that pure and ultimate disgust is worse for what you can feel towards someone.

yeah, thats what i told M.Y. and M.Y agreed. i mean, could you really hate a person? right down to the core? the most is that u can just hate the attitude or character. but not the person.

and yes, i feel so ever disgusted. the feeling is so overwhelming that i can almost smell it. why o why... i guess shit happens to everyone. its just a matter of where, when, how, what, who...

ah.. yes, forgot to mention, today was the first time i met M.Y. Talking to M.Y and listening from M.Y's perspectives is really an eye-opener. it was ok.. relaxing, abit tense.. and there were quite of alot of emotional moments right from the very start. i didn't realised the amount of energy that was input to that meeting until after i got home. i felt tremendously relieved as i made my way back home, and wierd thing was.. i got hit with a fever. My body was so tired and burnt out that i just couldn't get up. i planned to take a nap in time for my 6.55 practical lesson.. but i didn't wake up all the way till 2a.m. My head felt so hot and heavy and my eyes could hardly open. still, i forced my stoned self to turn on my pc and booked for another practical ;P and surprise surprise.. i even managed to update a bit on my bloggie.. hahahh..

Anyway... lucky i did.. managed to get this Sun 8.35 slot.. wahhhh~ erm. more like.. Mannn.. can i even get up at that hr on a blardy Sunday??? *what was i thinking???*

Kappwiinng~

so i decided to watch some cable. since i'm kinda awake alredy.. my tummy keeps calling out for sustanence, so i watched BBC news whilst fulfilling its wishes.. ate my meds.. *finally* and

poof~

i'm back to Pulau Bantal... heheheheh..

hmm.

"but i am released
oh but i am free
yes it is free
gone with the whisperings of the wind

as soft as the gentle breeze
as the truth encapsulates me
i began to see
the other side of me"

gratitude.

2004-08-10T00:36:00.000+08:00

this is gona be my thanking post.. lol..

my deepest thanks to phyr.. for helping me loads on this little project of mine.. hehe.. can't believe it man.. lol.. hahahahaaa.. me so heppi!!! :c)

thank you phyr!! 10082004

aku

2004-08-09T23:20:00.000+08:00

sesuatu yang indah
mungkinkah itu aku
apakah itu aku
aku rela
lalu..
aku redha

pasrah. apakah itu mungkin aku jua

simpati. siapa aku jika menginginkannya

bak si anak sering bertangisan
merayu berlinangan si air mata

sang bayu.
hmph.
haruskah ia ada disisiku?

siapakah engkau
yang sering mengiang berada
bayangan biarlah kabur
hilang terus dari dilihat

ingatan tak harus dibebani
apakah kesal aku ini?

sang puitis sering dikejari
apakah itu realiti?

kerdipan bintang
hai..

adakah itu aku?
atau adakah semuanya begitu?

bertumpangan sebalik si bulan
cahaya dan kilauan
cuma pinjaman

itulah nasib si unta
mahupun jua si tuannya
semuanya sama
mengharap kasih dan belaian

hai. kasihan si jiwa

lazim hidup
dicengkam beban
aniaya fitnah kebebasan
kita semua sama

semuanya .. sama

tetapi aku.

tetap aku..
tidak akan runtuh
dengan kepalsuan
biarlah pasrah mahupun kalah

tapi ku tahu...

AKU.

adalah aku.

erm.

2004-08-09T22:47:00.000+08:00

singapore turns 39 today.. and wow.. the NDP was superb this year. damn, i didn't bother to get the tickets. and all of them got NOKIA phones!!!! ggrr.. my birthday is erm.. coming soon.. in a few months time.. and i'll turn OLDER. aarr.. noo.... no..... noooooo!!!!

i feel like biting metal. hahaha .. si gula gigit besi.

Kapwinnnggg~

so i decided to get pizza. canadian's 241 was erm.. ok.. but is it my taste buds are changing or just my appetite. i seem to begin disliking the taste of lots of food that i loved before.. hmm

chilli was like erm.. a must have with my food.. but now.. my tummy seems to be sending me wierd signals.. telling me that i need to cut down on it.. alot.

oh yah.. i havent been taking my meds for nearly 4 days. sheet. and my head is killing me. i dun like taking it cos it makes me all sooo drowsy.

dr lawrence is going to scold me.. heheh he is such a nice chap. and to think that i bumped into my 'sister' back in sec schl.. lol.. riot man.. so kiut.. dishing out the meds at the pharmacy counter.

my best fren told me i've shrunk.. she said i'm becoming thinner. am i? hmm.. but everyday i look into the mirror and still i see that round moonface of mine. and i feel no difference. *shrugs*

i think i'll watch a movie soon. hehe.. hmm.. should i watch.. hmm.. heheh *cackles in glee*

resolution

2004-08-09T12:02:00.000+08:00

Sitting in front of my pc today i suddenly decided to 'try' create my own blog. Hah! it was ok. And after some fiddling and twiddling the functions about, here it is.. ;) still, i've been working on my futile attempts to upload a picture, God knows how i've tried. Yeah.. right. heheh..

Any resolutions?

yeah, i've been thinking, why should resolutions be thought up for the New Year? Why not simply everyday, every single minute of your life, that one should be having resolutions, and damn it, yes try to keep to it???

i believe thats its all just psychological. some self-booster that people got deluded into. so that they just feel better about themselves. its like a some sense of self-assurance that you still have something to live on to, to look forward to. its like hope.

if resolutions are so effective, would there even be problems in the first place? in fact, we give ourselves empty promises and unrealistic goals to live up to. life is too short and simple. keep it that way. agonizing yourself to be expected and being expected, *sigh*.. oh but c'mon!!! some expectations are simply too unrealistic and u're only pressurizing yourself by telling yourself year after year, "..ok i'll try to stick to my prev resolutions, and that is my new resolution. and yes, my other new resolutions are blah.. blah.. blah.. blah... "

i, simply,

*slapsmyown forehead*

tell me, how many people out there died with unfinished businesses and resolutions unfulfilled? it all keeps piling up, and u cant even bring them to the grave.. unless its some spiritual promise to God, well good luck to ya answering to Him then. Period.

well.

thats it for now,

am i being cynical? nah. just trying to see some sense in the world full of senseless common sence.

the first

2004-08-09T11:17:00.000+08:00

when i look into your eyes
i see a bright empty space
a place so serene
as white and pure
as the untouched canvas

my soft thoughts
amidst the surreality
i saw your face

O sweet indulgence
is this heaven
am i really seeing you?

swirling in the deepest deep
my anchoring heart
i reached out and seek
my plea,
within me
the screaming silence

what have been in vain
questions no longer
have a place

the refuge i once found safe
gives solitude to uncertainty
to the thorns of the ugly

still

i see you
i feel you

but will YOU even know me?